Saturday, January 2, 2010

Holiday depression crap

As I get older, I dislike the holidays more. Not because I don't like or believe in the reason for the season—I know that over two thousand years ago, a remarkable man was born mortal but under extraordinary circumstances, and that this man had gifts and abilities that we have not had on this planet since. Unfortunately I don't think we remember this is why we have this holiday, and it's become something else, a time of reflection I suppose.

Today my daughter left open her Facebook page to her cousin, my deceased sister's daughter. I do not consider this young woman to be my niece, but it's her choice. She has totally embraced my deceased father's widow and her family as her family—something I cannot do. This girl posted a bunch of Christmas photos taken with my father's widow and her children. It was like a stab to the heart. They celebrated the holiday in the huge house my father built his second wive; it's a 4 or 5 bedroom home, and it was built for the two of them, plus plenty of extra bedrooms for "visiting family." My father has been dead longer than he was married to this woman, yet she continues to live like a queen, and her daughters continue to benefit from their mother's good fortune to marry an older man who fortunately for her, died and left a crummy will.

I look at those photos of that house and see no sign that my father lived there. The furniture is not what was there when he was alive, except for the ebony baby grand piano that no one is able to play. There were gifts strewn about everywhere. Everyone is wearing nice clothes.

When I was a kid, my father was quite thrifty, and drummed it into my head that we were sacrificing for the future, that he in his old age would not want for anything and that his children would have his investments to help them to live comfortably long after he was gone. I believed everything my father said. I did what he asked. I did not report him to the cops when he hit me when I was a teenager, convinced I was a slut (believe me I wasn't). When my father remarried, his new wife was quite a bit younger than he, and I was warned by a co-worker that she was a golddigger, out for the money. But what could I do about it? Nothing.

Her three daughters became his perfect new family. He took them on vacations to Mexico, Hawaii, and places I don't know about. Vacations we did not take when I was a kid because we were sacrificing for the future. They had designer clothes; we had mail-order clothes from Spiegel. They had anything they wanted; when I was a kid we couldn't afford it.

One constant was the promise that there would be a piece of property for each of my paternal grandparent's grandkids—that promise had been made by my grandparents, understood by my father and uncle. But my dad kept stalling, saying he needed to transfer the property in the most beneficial manner tax-wise. A couple of years before he became ill, we decided on which lot he would deed to me, and I had house plans drawn up. My father knew I wanted to have a place to keep horses. My dad had also had numerous conversations with me regarding his estate, his wishes, and how I was to be executor even though I wasn't so crazy about the idea.

He wanted his widow to have income from certain investments, and I agreed that was the right thing to do. However, there were certain real estate investments he wanted held in trust to benefit his heirs, and that included an apartment complex, mobile home park, the 350+ acre ranch owned by my family from before my birth, the house I grew up in and the house he built to be held in trust.

Long story short, that's not what happened, and I had to endure my father's widow telling the cops that I'd made a death threat against her while his last-minute non-attorney written will was being probated. It was easier for me to leave the area rather than deal with her threats and accusations. She lives on $12K a month, most of that from his investments and his social security benefits. I am having a good month if I earn $3K. Usually it is quite less than that.

While my father was alive, I never asked him for money. My siblings did. I should have gotten a piece of the pie while he was still alive; I'd have at least gotten something. As it is, I don't have the promised acreage, and my beloved horses are gone. I thank my father for his cruelty and mind-fucking abilities daily. (note sarcasm)

It's not healthy to wish ill on someone. It's also not healthy for a kid, even if that kid is an adult, to not be able to remember one truthful thing a parent has said to her. But I cannot help wish that somehow something my father said would become the truth. I look at those photos and feel a hollow emptiness toward my father that is not healthy, and his widow has done her level best to keep me feeling that way.

Someday her lies will come back on her, and she will be made to face up to her greed and cruelty, if not this life, the next. And my sister's daughter hopefully never needs her mother's blood family for any reason.


nem1551 said...

So strange I happen to stumble on this... wow, Cathy.I'd apologize for feeling like a bit of a snoop, but I was honestly curious.. and you did just post this where really anyone can read it. Whatever bad air you have with anyone else... that is obviously none of my concern. I don't know whole stories, I don't know what happend behind closed doors.I won't pretend to. But I want to say one thing I DO know... I did need my mother's family. I needed my mother's family a long time ago... and it just wasn't really an option. Whatever your feelings towards Norma and her girls are, like I said, that's between you guys... but they helped me when I had NO ONE and NOTHING. Literally. You don't know what my life has been and that is not my "choice" it's just what it is. I am not asking for a pity-party, nor have I ever,I have been blessed enough to make it despite the BULLSHIT that I had no control over... that lasted long past my mom's death. There is the strong part of me that says what you wrote here shouldn't matter to me... but it does, sadly.. it hurts me. I am ashamed of that.

Norma is not as well of as you think. We all wish she was, believe me. Bob's pictures are all over that house and Norma refuses to move his favorite green chair, his truck in still in the garage because she cannot bear the thought to get rid of it. Maybe that's hard for you to understand, but that is the reality. We all talk about him all the time, his pictures are up everywhere, the kids all know who he was.He is loved in that house, everyday. Our memories are not the version of him you described but the version we all knew. The man we remember.

I could write dozens more discrepancies,but I won't bother. I am sorry you don't care enough about me or my mother's memory to be happy that I am healthy and doing fine.I thought that should matter, weird. I've wanted to contact you, I've wanted to know things about my mom that I will never know. I was intimidated... I guess I was right to feel that way.

I am sorry that my Christmas album caused you so much stress. Honestly.

p.s. the clothes I was wearing on Christmas... all from Wal Mart, thanks.

CaliGirl9 said...

Nice to hear from you. You will believe what you want. The money talks. Your dad chose sides for you all those years ago. If you recall, I tried. Swimming, 4-H. I was there. Your dad constructed another life for you, which was good, but I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for your dad either.

Your mom wasn't as evil as anyone cares to remember. She had a loving heart. And yes, when we were both teens, my dad hit us. Not on a regular basis; I got hit two or three times. She was a bit wilder, perhaps more for her. He was far from St. no-name (redacted for privacy) toward his first three biological children, especially as teens. We were both accused on a regular basis of sleeping around. Neither of us did, but he was convinced otherwise.

It is very hard to forgive people who accuse you of being a mastermind to a murder (LOL yeah as if I'm that clever) or says hurtful, hateful things at a mediation in front of two attorneys.

I do wish you success though. No doubt your mom is tickled to death in heaven that you did not go her way, and that you will become self-sufficient. She would not be pleased to have you siding with a person who said and did such hurtful and hateful things toward me. When you are ready to come to me and not report to them, I am certainly ready to talk to you about your mom. But while a source of so much pain for me still lives, I have to choose me and a healthy distance between what hurts me so badly. I am owed an apology and I never expect one. She chose to say and do what she did, lie and say cruel things to me, be greedy. Karma's a bitch.

Nothing my father ever said to me was the truth. They saw to that. I have lost any good memories of my father because of those actions in 1998. Why do you think I moved away? It hurt to much to deal with people asking "What happened? I remember when you kids would clean up that construction site every Saturday, I thought that was supposed to belong to you kids someday. Why didn't you even end up with a single lot on that ranch? That ranch was in your family before you were born."

Ball is in your court, kiddo. When you wanna communicate, please feel free to do so. But I expect privacy and I expect whatever is said is between us and not carried elsewhere to be twisted and misconstrued. I don't know that you contact your biological grandmother, either when you were in town. She didn't say. She misses your mom every damn day ...

CaliGirl9 said...

P.S. Please ask where my grandmother's silver is. I do not have the money for an attorney to inquire or get what was promised to me ...

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